Falling Back, Fallen Down
by annicaspoon
Summary: Companion piece to 'Ice Inside A Grieving Girl'. Robin's struggle with his guilt as Star grieves for her lost world. Rated T for theme of tragedy, and one word. R


**A bit of a while coming, but I finally knuckled down and wrote it. This is a companion piece to my Star fic "Ice Inside A Grieving Girl" but in Robin POV. You don't have to read IIAGG to get it though.**

**This is dedicated to RFE – because 1. She's awesome and 2. She gave me the idea 8D**

**Disclaimer: Don't own it, quit asking**

oOo

I told them to fall back.

_Lasers streaking through the sky. Spaceships whizzing around the red and white planet. Orange and yellow fire from explosions brightening the space around them._

Out of every order I could have given, I gave the one to fall back.

_His ship shakes with impact. He grabs at the communicator. "There's too many of them!" He yells into the microphone. "Everybody fall back! I repeat, fall back!"_

The wrong one.

_A bright flash. Another. More flashes until a large explosion erupts from the centre. He shields his eyes from the glow with his arm. He still hears them over his headphones. Raven's sharp indrawn breath. Cyborg whispering, "Oh my God." Beast Boy's strangely quiet, unsure phrase._

"_Star?"_

And now she's suffering because of it.

_Robin moves his arm from in front of his face and looks. Where once was a planet, full of strong, warlike people, was now nothing, a void._

It's all my fault.

oOo

Star doesn't speak the whole way back. None of us do. As soon as we land in the Tower, she gets out of the ship and walks off wordlessly. I watch after her hopelessly, until Cyborg's hand rests on my shoulder.

"You go after her." I can feel the cool metal through my cape, under it all I know that there's a warm human heart. "We can finish this with the three of us." I don't look at him, but I glance at Raven and Beast Boy. They both nod to show their agreement and I nod too, walking off after Starfire.

I know she's in her room, and I stop just outside the door. I'm almost about to knock on her door when I hear it.

I've never heard Starfire cry, in all the time I've known her. I've seen her tear up a few times, but I've never seen her outright cry. I think I've seen Raven cry more than Starfire.

But now, I can hear Starfire sobbing, more than I ever have before, murmuring words in her native language in between gasps. Mourning everyone and everything she's lost; her family and friends, her home, her culture, her past, everything.

And hearing her cry is the ultimate weight that comes down on me. The guilt that I did this, I made this happen; it's because of me that she has to feel this much sadness.

My hand lowers back to my side and I back away from the door. I can't go in there, not after what I've done. I can't even face her; she'll hate me for it. Seeing me will only bring the horrible memories back.

I turn and walk to my office, the sound of her crying ringing in my ears. I get inside and lock the door, the lamp at my desk as the only source of illumination. I pull out the log book and write.

_Aug 30__th_

_Tamaran attacked by unknown alien group. Dozens of enemy spaceships. Somehow they'd planted a bomb inside the core of the planet. A powerful bomb…_

_Tamaran has now being destroyed. The whole planet is gone. Starfire of the Teen Titans is the only Tamaranian left. Starfire is…_

_Well, she's sad. She's…_

_Heartbroken._

oOo

I don't realise I've been writing all night until Beast Boy knocks on the door. A glance at the clock tells it's past ten, the morning after the attack. I step out of the room and Beast Boy stands in the hallway, holding a tray with a few sandwiches and a bottle of mustard.

"Hey, uh, me and Cyborg made her something to eat. Do you wanna take it into her? Being you and all, she might prefer it…?"

_No she hates me can't go in there only make her more upset all my fault all my fault all my fault…_

I shake my head and force a quick smile. "No, it's fine, you can take it into her. I've…" I run my hand through my hair, get stuck on a knot, "I've got a lot to do."

If he has any hesitation, he doesn't show it, and I relax as he disappears down the hallway. I sluggishly walk to the kitchen, taking the long way so I don't have to go past Starfire's room.

As I get into the kitchen, Raven looks up at me silently. I ignore her and move straight to the coffee machine. For the next few minutes the only noise in the room is of me making my daily coffee, double strength to get me through the day after my sleepless night.

I move to go back to the office, coffee in hand, when she pipes up. "You never checked on her last night, did you?" I freeze at the door, my back facing her.

_I couldn't too guilty my fault it happened I wanted too I couldn't wouldn't have helped anyway she didn't want to see me she doesn't want to see me…_

I stand there, frozen, as Raven waits for me to answer, but after a minute, I keep walking out the door, denying that there was ever a question.

oOo

Hours pass and I haven't gotten anything done.

I have to research the aliens that attacked us, but I can't find anything about them. Nothing. Out of all the files from our database, Cyborg's locked files or even the extraterrestrial sector of S.T.A.R. labs.

I need to finish the log book entry. I need to get answers. I need to find these bastards and rip them apart and make them pay for what they've done. I need to…

Mind's fuzzy. I need more coffee.

Before I step into the common room, I can hear Cyborg and Beast Boy talking inside.

"She ain't talking, ain't moving, nothing. She's just lying there in the dark."

"Same when I went in there earlier…"

"Man, I would be expecting crying and wailing, or even screaming but…"

"Not this, not from her."

_She did cry she was crying last night she cried a lot I didn't do anything I walked away got too scared it's all my fault…_

The doors swoosh open and their conversation cuts short when I walk in. They both look at me guiltily, like they've done something wrong. Like talking about her has just become forbidden. Like they're at fault for some great wrong.

Anything they could have done is nothing compared to what I did.

oOo

I'm staring at a cold, metal wall. A barrier. An armour that prevents me from getting through. It's a good thing its there. If it wasn't, I would rush in there and hold her and tell her how sorry I am and then she would get upset and she would scream at me and attack me and ask me how could have I done such a thing and I wouldn't be able to answer so I would just slip outside, leaving her, upset and alone.

So it's a good thing that the barrier of her door is there to stop me.

Her name is printed in large black letters on the door, reminding me that I'm guilty of hurting her. I stare at it.

Her name is beautiful. She once told me her Tamaran name too. Koriand'r. Starfire. Both of her names have an ethereal way about them. Both of them are amazing. Beautiful. Like her.

If I stare at her name long enough, the letters move and distort into a picture of her. Laughing. Smiling. The things she isn't doing now.

_Sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry…_

"Are you going to stare at her door all day or actually going to talk to her?" I jump from my stupor to find Raven standing next to me. She looks at me intensely, too intensely. I quickly turn and go to walk down the hallway when her cold hand grabs my arm.

"Wait Robin. Quit messing around." I glare at her. If I wasn't so zoned out through tiredness I would tell her off, but I can't make out what to say, so I continued to glare at her. She ignores my glare, it's like she's now the leader of the team and I'm just a member, acting childishly.

"You have to talk to her." Her hand lets go and she looks at me, almost desperately. I break from her gaze and look down at my feet.

"I can't," I tell my feet. "It's my fault this happened."

_My fault my fault my fault my fault all my freakin' fault!_

"It's no-one's fault. If you had changed your mind, we'd all be dead." I can't stop from flinching at her straightforwardness. Raven never bounces around what needs to be said. "Stop feeling guilty and talk to her."

My eyes dart around but they refuse to look at Raven. "What makes you think she'd want to see me right now?" I hiss, "She had to see her whole planet destroyed because of a stupid call I made!"

"You're the only one that's going to be able to get her out of her room and talk about." I finally look at her, an idea nagging at my mind.

"She might come out if you talk to her," I say, and I mean it. Despite who she is, Raven's always had an uncanny way of making people feel better.

She frowns. I'm trying to change the subject. "Robin…" she says softly.

"She probably hates me right now! She's probably blaming me for everything and she has every right to!" As soon as I realise I'm yelling, I stop. Raven just looks at me steadily.

"The only thing she can blame you for is not being there for her sooner." I look back down at my feet, not saying anything. Raven tries again. "She needs you."

_No she doesn't I'm the last thing she needs it'll only make it worse for her…_

"I can't," I whisper, still facing my feet. I slowly raise my head and look at her desperately. "Please Raven."

She sighs and looks away, then she snaps back to glare at me. In that instant I know she'll do it. "I'm not doing this for you," she says, turning towards Starfire's door, "You better realise that." Every tensed muscle inside me relaxes and I nod. Raven glares at me one more time before walking into the dark, desolate room.

When I try to ask her about Star when she comes out, she just looks at me.

oOo

I haven't slept in days. I can't. Whenever I try, the sound of Starfire crying rings my ears and prevents me from getting to sleep. Thankfully no villains decide to go on a spree, because I know, if they did, I wouldn't be any help to the others.

I spend most of my time trying to find out more about the aliens. I still can't find anything. Frustrated, I throw the log book at the wall. The pages open up and show mindless babble in my handwriting.

_My fault I'm sorry not good enough should've done something else should've been there for her too scared too worried she hates me I deserve it my fault I walked away I left her alone she's scared where am I? I'm supposed to be there always I'm supposed to help her get through things like this I'm sorry Star I'm really really sorry…_

My hands are shaking with fatigue. I need more coffee.

I step out of the light of the office into a dark hallway. It's later than I thought. I walk into the kitchen; Raven's the only one up. I don't say anything to her, and she leaves shortly after I walk in.

Figuring that she's going to her room for the night, I pull off my mask and rub the bags under my eyes. Only once has one of my friends seen me with my mask off. That was Starfire, ages ago. I throw my mask on the bench and I begin making my coffee. The slow process is now automatic for me; I could probably pull it off fully asleep, rather than half.

By the time I've finished, my legs are stuck in place, I want to move, go back to my hidey hole, but my legs don't. Instead I lean on the bench with my forearms and wait for the coffee to take effect as I slowly drink it, trying to wake myself up from this nightmare.

I take a mouthful of my coffee; scalding hot liquid burns my tongue and my throat. They scream at me in pain. After I've swallowed, I can still feel the heat, making its way down my body into my stomach. I grimace slightly. Coffee's too strong. I finally will my legs to move as I go to the fridge to get more milk, but stop short as I walk into someone else.

_Shit Robin! Wake up!_ "I'm sorry…" I raise my head to look at them and continue, but trail off as I see who it is.

"It's not your fault…" Her voice is soft and husky from seldom use over the past few days. My voice catches in my throat at the sight of her; I have no idea what to say. I place my coffee on the edge of the bench and look back at her. I want to hold her, hug her, anything, but my common sense tells me that it wouldn't be such a great idea.

"Star…" I have no idea what to say, where the hell do I start? "Star I am…" A stupid pathetic idiot. My voice cracks. "I am so, so sorry." And once I've started, I can't stop.

"I should have gotten us there faster, I should have looked at evacuating everyone, I should have done something, anything, to stop this from happening." I pause for a short breath before continuing. "But I didn't. I was stupid, and now you're suffering for it and – God Star…" She's looking down, but I can see the tears in her eyes. Tears start to fill up the bottom of my view, I'm crying. Why the hell am I crying? "I'm sorry. I'm _so_ sorry."

It doesn't feel like enough, and I wait desperately for Star to look up, to say something, anything. I've almost given up hope, when I find her strong arms over my shoulders clinging on tight. I can feel her shake with sobs and I put my arms around her waist, holding her up. I bury my face in her hair and kiss the top of her head. She smells nice, she always smells nice.

As I'm holding her, I can hear her soft whisper into my shoulder. "It's not your fault. It's not your fault. I don't blame you." Her whisper, soft as it is, breaks through my mind and shatters all the whispers that had been in my head previously, and I feel the weight of the past days slide off me.

oOo

That night, I go to sleep with a different thought in my head; an alien princess sleeping soundly with her head on my chest and a smile on her face, and unlike the previous nights, this time I can actually get to sleep.

oOo

**Longer than IIAGG, purely because of the fact that this is in first person. I always tend to go more in depth with 1****st**** person stories.**

**Please, please, pretty cupcake with a strawberry and whipped cream on top review!**

**~Clair-Rae**


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